When the only person you can talk to about it is your mother. Everyone around you including family turns you away and say "You have nothing to stress about." I always wondered how people in treatment facilities get to where they are, or where people who just snap and get in trouble feel, and It just goes that everyone needs someone in this world. If I didn't have my mother or my brothers, I often think where this depression would have to lead me. Not many people know, not even my mother that I thought of just ending it all at one point, never thought that I would ever have thoughts like that.
I just felt like my back was against the wall and that no good would come of the future for me, Obviously I didn't though and I don't think I would ever come to terms with actually ever doing that. I fought so hard to stay alive, I watched my family cry as I was on life support, not knowing if I would live or die. I couldn't go that way, couldn't end it that way after all I have been through. despite all that is going on, I cherish life. It gets hard sometimes but somehow I overcome, and when I started thinking like that was the end route, I asked for help. When I went to Jamaica for a month, it gave me a whole new outlook on a lot of things. I took a break from everything that happened in the states. All the things that put me in the situation I was in. I found a stronger love for God being away, and it helped me through a lot of things and instead of thinking suicidal or negative I started praying.
Today, as I find my way I still struggle. I have my up and down days. Whenever I feel negative I feel the need to pray, losing a lot of my friends that use to be there for me have helped me deal with adversity, because before I didn't know how to deal. I kept wondering why people would turn away from me, and the depression goes beyond that but losing friends doesn't help. One of the biggest struggles I have is regardless of what they say, I feel like I am not only letting myself down, but I am also letting everyone else down. I don't have enough to finish a degree I strive so hard for, and that weighs heavily on me every day. I had to learn to love myself but there are a lot of things about me that will not make me happy until I achieve them. Being 27, I wanted my life to be more than what it is right now. and as I guess somethings are hard to accept life still weighs on me to bring my goals to life.
- Flip
