If only you knew...

There's a lot floating in my mind right now. It might seem like I'm repeating myself with my blogs but these are my thoughts as of right now. I keep having popped of thoughts of my life flashing before my eyes and the way my break from college is not going as well as I thought and it's only been a week. All I wish of doing is going back to school. It's the only thing in my life that has never broken my heart or hurt me in anyway. Whenever I had problems with family or any girls, I would put my focus in school and would forget about it and anything along with it. Now that there's no school to distract me, it's just me finding myself in this real world for the next 6 months. At the same time as my heart begins to heal from my heartbreak, I'm trying to keep it together because it's holding on by a thread right now and that is saying much. There is a girl I really do like right now, keeping emotions in for her is rough, since I don't have no school to distract that, my mind is a blank slate so all my mind is on is her. I don't want to date anyone at the moment because it's not something I want to get hurt over but this girl makes it so hard. So much times she gives off mixed singles and I know were friends but inside I think it will kill me when or if she finds or goes with someone else. I know that sounds selfish, but she really has grown on me and I have this gut feeling that I want to give it my all for her, not in an 'I love you way' who knows if I'll love again, I'm not counting on it either. But I strongly like this girl but who knows if those feelings will be returned. She's taught me that there are good girls out there other than my ex and I think I'm very fortunate to have met this girl. I rather put her before me and want to see her happy, she deserves it, just like anyone deserves happiness. I've had it once before and I'll have it one day rather if I'm with her or not. At this point, being out of school has caused a lot of non-distracting things to come out, and feelings as well. I just hope I don't relive December again that's the only fear I have in my mind. In the end, I have 5 months left to figure what I want before I go back to the woman that won't hurt me, my first love, and that is school.

Sincerely yours....