Dealing with death..

Death is something none of us likes to think about it, nothing you want to imagine would happen to a love one of yours. I remember going through what I went through, and being upset because of how it was affecting others. They gave me the strength to keep going, to stay alive even when all hope was lost. I think that sums up a lot of people they get through their life thinking of the loved ones they have and that motivates them to do better, but certain things in life can come unexpectedly. This was the case for my cousin Jamaican-born and raised he was the nicest kid you could probably meet. He would come up to America every so often and visit me and I would always try to steer him in the right way I loved him. 

In 2015, I found out he moved to America for good, something that caught me by surprise. We always kept in touch but that was something that I was unaware of. It happened overnight. At the time he was struggling, and I was on my way out of Pennsylvania. It made me feel guilty in a way because the two months I spent with him helping him out finding a job, money etc. I wish I knew he was there before, maybe that would have given me the little ounce in me to stay to watch over him. At the time, I just couldn't take any more of where I was, but I looked at him like a little brother and it was too late to change my mind. I always checked up on him being in Florida he told me about his girlfriend and his job, living situation and whatever was on his mind no matter what it was,  I wanted to know. You never know when the last conversation with anyone will be that's how much life hurts sometimes, it is also scary too. 

I never knew that July eighteenth would be the last time I would talk to him, His last word's to me were "take it easy" something I should have told him. I know there's so much anyone would tell a loved one If they knew they would never talk to him again, but I spend countless time looking at when we last talked and it haunts me still on what I could possibly say to him, how I could prevent him from the worse. I never would imagine in my wildest dreams waking up to the news on August 13th that my cousin, someone that I grew up with, I looked over was shot dead in the street. No witnesses no suspects. That morning I just kept asking God why? I just couldn't understand it. Someone filled with so much life with a smile that could light up a room could be the victim of a murder. I haven't felt that pain since I lost my grandmother, died in 2006, and with everything going on in my life the pain felt even worse. I felt like I failed him. I always told him I would protect him no matter how far away I am, and that I would always be one call or text away. I had to keep texting him to realize that it was a reality that he was gone. 

I shut those out that love me, and the one that I was falling for I felt she was shutting me out, I felt like that was a breaking point with everything going on. Till this day, the suspect remains loose and all I can do is pray that they find him, all I can picture in my head is them laughing as they did what they did knowing they got away with it. My mind will always feel unrested with this situation because I didn't only look at him as a cousin that was my little brother. When you watch with someone that long and he looks up to you it hurts that he is gone. This post isn't to feel sorry for me, this post is a message to everyone. Cherish your family, love thy neighbor and most importantly stop the violence, please. If I had one message to give to my cousin it would be that I love you and I hope that you are finally at peace.

Sincerely Filipe