That time i dealt with Depression..

I never really dealt with depression as deep as this, everyone has their way of dealing with it. I try not to deal with it because of my health. It is hard, though, we are all humans and we have emotions when life isn't going the way we want it to go or you feel that life is going backward instead of forwards you have no choice but to feel a certain way. It gets even worse when you have no one to turn to. 

When the only person you can talk to about it is your mother. Everyone around you including family turns you away and say "You have nothing to stress about." I always wondered how people in treatment facilities get to where they are, or where people who just snap and get in trouble feel, and It just goes that everyone needs someone in this world. If I didn't have my mother or my brothers, I often think where this depression would have to lead me. Not many people know, not even my mother that I thought of just ending it all at one point, never thought that I would ever have thoughts like that. 

I just felt like my back was against the wall and that no good would come of the future for me, Obviously I didn't though and I don't think I would ever come to terms with actually ever doing that. I fought so hard to stay alive, I watched my family cry as I was on life support, not knowing if I would live or die. I couldn't go that way, couldn't end it that way after all I have been through. despite all that is going on, I cherish life. It gets hard sometimes but somehow I overcome, and when I started thinking like that was the end route, I asked for help. When I went to Jamaica for a month, it gave me a whole new outlook on a lot of things. I took a break from everything that happened in the states. All the things that put me in the situation I was in. I found a stronger love for God being away, and it helped me through a lot of things and instead of thinking suicidal or negative I started praying. 

Today, as I find my way I still struggle. I have my up and down days. Whenever I feel negative I feel the need to pray, losing a lot of my friends that use to be there for me have helped me deal with adversity, because before I didn't know how to deal. I kept wondering why people would turn away from me, and the depression goes beyond that but losing friends doesn't help. One of the biggest struggles I have is regardless of what they say, I feel like I am not only letting myself down, but I am also letting everyone else down. I don't have enough to finish a degree I strive so hard for, and that weighs heavily on me every day. I had to learn to love myself but there are a lot of things about me that will not make me happy until I achieve them. Being 27, I wanted my life to be more than what it is right now. and as I guess somethings are hard to accept life still weighs on me to bring my goals to life. 

- Flip 

Dealing with death..

Death is something none of us likes to think about it, nothing you want to imagine would happen to a love one of yours. I remember going through what I went through, and being upset because of how it was affecting others. They gave me the strength to keep going, to stay alive even when all hope was lost. I think that sums up a lot of people they get through their life thinking of the loved ones they have and that motivates them to do better, but certain things in life can come unexpectedly. This was the case for my cousin Jamaican-born and raised he was the nicest kid you could probably meet. He would come up to America every so often and visit me and I would always try to steer him in the right way I loved him. 

In 2015, I found out he moved to America for good, something that caught me by surprise. We always kept in touch but that was something that I was unaware of. It happened overnight. At the time he was struggling, and I was on my way out of Pennsylvania. It made me feel guilty in a way because the two months I spent with him helping him out finding a job, money etc. I wish I knew he was there before, maybe that would have given me the little ounce in me to stay to watch over him. At the time, I just couldn't take any more of where I was, but I looked at him like a little brother and it was too late to change my mind. I always checked up on him being in Florida he told me about his girlfriend and his job, living situation and whatever was on his mind no matter what it was,  I wanted to know. You never know when the last conversation with anyone will be that's how much life hurts sometimes, it is also scary too. 

I never knew that July eighteenth would be the last time I would talk to him, His last word's to me were "take it easy" something I should have told him. I know there's so much anyone would tell a loved one If they knew they would never talk to him again, but I spend countless time looking at when we last talked and it haunts me still on what I could possibly say to him, how I could prevent him from the worse. I never would imagine in my wildest dreams waking up to the news on August 13th that my cousin, someone that I grew up with, I looked over was shot dead in the street. No witnesses no suspects. That morning I just kept asking God why? I just couldn't understand it. Someone filled with so much life with a smile that could light up a room could be the victim of a murder. I haven't felt that pain since I lost my grandmother, died in 2006, and with everything going on in my life the pain felt even worse. I felt like I failed him. I always told him I would protect him no matter how far away I am, and that I would always be one call or text away. I had to keep texting him to realize that it was a reality that he was gone. 

I shut those out that love me, and the one that I was falling for I felt she was shutting me out, I felt like that was a breaking point with everything going on. Till this day, the suspect remains loose and all I can do is pray that they find him, all I can picture in my head is them laughing as they did what they did knowing they got away with it. My mind will always feel unrested with this situation because I didn't only look at him as a cousin that was my little brother. When you watch with someone that long and he looks up to you it hurts that he is gone. This post isn't to feel sorry for me, this post is a message to everyone. Cherish your family, love thy neighbor and most importantly stop the violence, please. If I had one message to give to my cousin it would be that I love you and I hope that you are finally at peace.

Sincerely Filipe

One of the best things that happened to me..

This is probably the hardest blog I have ever written, but for a purpose. Past few years in these blogs, I have given you stories on my life how they have been filled with heartache, a pain of all sorts, dysfunction and temporary happiness. This one is positive I swear as I talk about someone that has made my world. In order for me to describe her, let me take a trip down memory lane and tell you about my past relationships. I never really had anything true yes I have been in love and even that backfired for me. I will not go into details why but love seemed like something I never thought would happen to me ever again, I didn't want to feel that way ever again after what happened to me, it was way too painful to get over, to endure again until I met who this blog is about. I often get told by people how many girls I must get, and how I have a great personality funny thing is, you can impress a million faces in the world but they all aren't what you are looking for. All I wanted was someone was to love me for me, and who I am as a person. Often times in my relationships, I've had to play an alter ego, no one wanted to get to know me for me. If you asked some of the females I have dated, they couldn't tell you half of the things I have been through. I have been cheated, lied and most of all deceived of money due to their greed. It makes you scared to date again, but I never gave up that's one thing, my grandmother always taught me. Fast-forward, meeting her was probably one of the best days of my life. She doesn't know how much she saved me from my own thoughts and insecurities. I never believed in love at first sight and when people talk about it in class, I laughed it off due to the fact it was something I never witnessed. I can only imagine twenty-one year old me laughing at how I perceive it now. Every time I look at her, I see our future. It was a road that was not easy at times, I waited and waited until she was ready. Like me she had her insecurities and doubts, all my heart was telling me was "who cares? take the chance" I just didn't care my goal was on her. I never write about anyone, in particular especially someone so special to me sorry for a moment if my words are all over the place. Times when she pushed me away, and I thought all was hopeless and scared everything was restored when I saw her. So beautiful from her voice to just looking in those beautiful eyes of hers, when she talks it makes me realize. The reason this is so hard for me to write is because all my life I never thought I would find something as amazing as her or for her to ever love me in the end. Maybe she doesn't see it or see how she has impacted my life but it showed in my fight for her.  I never had a happily ever after it has always been bad movie endings. Even through the times when I get stressed, or times when we don't see each other because of life I remember that at the end of the day she is mine. I have a fight now, God, Family, and Her. 

I don't want this Happily ever after to ever end...

It's Been Awhile..

It has been a long time coming, a very long time indeed that I have updated this in a while. A lot has changed with me. Of course I have gotten older, wiser, and less dark than my blogs have perceived of me in the past. The year is now 2016, I am now twenty-six years old now. Looking back at my last blog post at twenty-one, five years ago almost I reflect and think of all the things that have happened, all that has passed me by since. Since that blog, I was able to enjoy three great years in in college. I had my ups and downs at Gwynedd granted, but coming from a hell hole in Metropolitan Career Center, it seemed like heaven. That is where a lot of my anger came from, a lot of frustration, some that still is triggered today. I wish that I could write this and say I’m finished college but unfortunately that is not the case. I'm almost there, and the nightmare that I held with me for so long will be over. Back to what I was saying, Gwynedd taught me so many things in the three years that I was there, it also taught me about life and responsibilities. At the end of my career at Gwynedd, I was simply just not happy with anything. Upset with life, where i was going and the area I lived in I wanted a change. My goal was to set out for a new area or something to change that. I had been unhappy in Pennsylvania for so long, that it became immune to me. It only got worse when personal family situations got involved 2012. See, that is one reason I gave up writing on this blog, I did not want to shed my feelings of those times, it was harder for me than anything I think i had to endure. I learned a lot about myself, and with that I found out a lot about people and it made me better moving forward. I decided that 2014 would be my last semester at Gwynedd, I would transfer and finish my last year of schooling in my birth place of Florida. It was not that easy, I left with hassle but in the end it was more me than them. They say go to where you are happy, make the sacrifices you need. I have been down here for the last two years now. It has been rough for the most part. They never said moving somewhere else was easy. I am still trying to catch on, applying job to job, hopefully stumble upon love on the way and start the life I desire. In the end, everyone will say they understand, but from my perspective its better left unsaid. Till the next time...I'm Back   

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My Thoughts are under construction.... Sorry for the long wait.... but you will have to wait a few more days. New entry Tuesday of the return of Me,,,

The Lost Times

I know I said I was going to write more on here, but I lost it, sometimes I just don't have the emotion I want to write on here, or I just don't feel like addressing certain things. I'm going to try my best to write as much as I can because I feel it helps me release some things off my back. This is just an ordinary entry of what’s going on my life right now, lately I don't feel right about myself. Since February, I’ve been out of school and I thought I would feel better, but a part of me isn't. To some people getting up late every day is the life, but to me it’s not right, and when people make jokes about it, it doesn't help either. I just want to do so much but can’t, and August seems so far away. Right now going through the process of setting myself up for going to a university keeps me busy, but that goes along way when you aren't going there yet. When i hear people say "god i have finals" it just makes me miss all of it because at least i would be doing something productive, and that's all i strive for is school Right now, i am trying to get myself back into Volunteering again, i have signed up for multiple organizations so far as well as I’m going back to my old camp to reunite the flame, but in a counselor position. I am trying to get the things right in my life before school, trying to make myself fully happy again, right now the daily routine doesn't work for me. At first it seemed great but not being productive is not good for me, I like to help the world as well as be in a position where I am helping myself which was school and i feel that its time for a change with me, and it’s time to do that now. Another thing in my life, is the girl I've talked about in recent blogs which I won’t go deep into that situation but i am really liking her a lot, this is the first girl I have liked since my ex so it’s rough, I don’t want to rush but my feelings can’t help it and I don’t know where it’s going to take me with this girl, to tell you the truth I am scared, negative or positive of the outcome.  All i know is how I feel, and I don’t think it’s going away. At this point in my life, after all that went on with my ex, I am not looking for my soul mate, it’s really just something I’m still hopeful but if it happens it happens, and if this girl was it then she is. Before I was bitter, I was so angry I just gave up on everything and just blocked everyone out. This girl came along and regardless of how she changed my life in a positive way, she showed me there's hope and she brought back the happiness in me on that part of my life again, and i really can’t thank her enough. She really is the greatest thing to happen to me and i think that’s the best way to close this out .

sincerely yours...